Rules for Turkey Hunting
The Weatherman is a No-Good, Rotten, Low-Down, Lying S.O.B.
If he says it's going to be cloudly, rainy, windy, or foggy, it will be clear as a bell and still as a tomb at daybreak. If and only if, you sleep in. In meteorology school, there is a required course, Principles of Mass Deception 101.
Jolly's Axiom - "Must be Present to Win"
You can't kill them if you're at home on the couch.
The Law of Landlines Inversely Proportionate
The more property you have to hunt, the closer the turkeys will be to the landlines. If you have 4,000 acres to hunt on, all the turkeys on your property will be roosted within 40 yeards of the landline.
Murphy's Law2
What can go wrong, will go wrong. Squared.
Two's Company - Three's a Crowd Multiplier Effect.
Two people are four times as hard to hide as one.
Three people are nine times as hard to hide as one.
The Pendulum Always Swings Back.
If you had a great season last year, you have hell to pay this year. Brace yourself.
Boyd's Law of Entomology.
Bugs will gravitate to body orifices of the head and face directly proportionate to how close the turkey is to you. A bull gnat crawling in the corner of your right eye as you aim carefully at the turkey is only ok for left handed shooters.
You Can't Compete with the Real Thing
If you're in the bushes talking about something that's standing beside him, he's not coming over by the bushes -unless Jezebel the exotic dancer does.
The Most Important Rule of All
If in Doubt, Don't.
If you wonder whether you should call or move or get closer or he's close enough to shoot, don't
There are Two Acceptable Outcomes
"We amicably agreed to split our assests down the middle and parted company"
"We consummated the relationship, and I let him ride in my pickup truck"
