Very long turkey story (but worth it)

[g8rvet]

Just wanted to share my hunting story from yesterday.  Got to the spot about 1am.  Figured we needed plenty of time to get into position.  The bird I figured was roosted on public land, but we were going to set up on the private side.  I sorta had permission - my nephew used to deliver the newspaper to the previous owner, so I figure that is close enough.  Anyway, once we get to the spot I start setting up the Double Bull Skate Blind.  It has a giant turkey fan on the front of it, and the back is HECS camo.  We were setting up the 6 decoys when I realized the remote was back in the truck, so I let the cameraman go get it.  I told him to mark where we were on his phone with his OinX GPS app (by hog hunters, for hog hunters - but it works for turkey too).  As he is making the trek out, I set up the Faraday Cage inside the blind and put on my camo tin foil hat to make sure no brain waves escape and spook any gobblers.  Just as I am finishing, the camera guy bumps into the back of the blind because he could not see it (HECS, remember?).  We get in and let the woods quiet down.

Right about daybreak the thunder chicken sounds off on public.  He does not call much, but I realize he is a public land gobbler and is therefore very intelligent.  He is probably too busy solving differential equations and translating Shakespeare into Latin to gobble much.  I let him have it with every call I own, loud, soft, high pitch.  I am pretty sure he gobbled to one of them.  Anyhow, he flies down at about 120 yards and is still on public.  I need him to close a little distance.  I am hunting some handloaded 10 gauge 4oz, #12 of SDTSS (Super Duper TSS). It is 27gm/cc.  It is being tested by the US military and Mossad.  I got the shot from some 21 year old dude on Discord and it costs about $436 per shell.  Don't bother trying to get up with him, he is not answering any messages now (weird huh?).  Since I needed the bird a little closer, I pull out my trusty Crank Fox Double Trumpet.  It is hand made from natalie wood (doesn't float).  I know what to do now and give him the mating scream!  That does the trick and he crosses the line to private.  With each step he takes further on to private land, you can see the intelligence disappearing like cocaine on Hunter Biden's coffee table. By the time he covers 30 yards he is so dumb he is tripping over his own feet, bumping in to trees and dry humping pine cones.  Got to love these private land gobblers.  I range him through my scope (it is the Artificial Intelligence 2.0 model) and it says he is 65 yards, has 6 beards and 1.73" spurs.  Since I now know he is trophy quality, worthy of my expertise and in perfect range, I take the shot.  After I momentarily blackout from the recoil, I come to and see him running.  I jump out of the blind and after three followup shots we have our trophy.  I look at the camera and scream "Take that Jackazz, HEEEE HAAAWWWW" (we are still working on our kill shot catch phrase).  I check out the bird after my vision clears and realize he has a 6" beard and 1/2" spurs.  Should have paid the extra 2 grand and got the AI 3.0 scope.  We load him up and make all of the trips to the truck and my nose finally stops bleeding.

I decide to take him straight to Bubba's Pizza Parlor and Taxidermy.  Bubba is not there but his helper tells me he can't mount him!  I say B.S. and ask why and he says, "Because he has more holes than Dr. Fauci's Coronavirus Origin story". So now I have to clean it.  I stop by the Hoggly Woggly on the way home to pick up my usual Milwaukee's Best and Bud Light is on sale. Since it has some hot chick on the can, I pick up a 12 pack.  It was alright, but was missing something-just had no balls to it. Once home I took off one thigh and tossed the rest, I don't care much for turkey anyway - I am a trophy hunter and I got the beard and spurs.

I will have the whole hunt up on my YouTube channel as quick as possible.  The first 50 likes get 0.1% off a subscription to OinX.  I will include pins to the exact location I killed the bird, but you can easily tell from the videos anyway, I always show as much background as possible so people can find where I am hunting. If I get enough subs I can finally quit my job as Head cart retriever at the Hoggly Woggly. Help me get to a million views.

NOTE: Any grain of truth in the prior story is purely unintentional. It is full of exaggerration and prevarication. If you believed a word of it, you probably trip over your own feet, bump in to trees and dry hump pine cones.  THANKS FOR READING!  I tried to offend as many as possible, but if I missed anyone please make a request for the next story.

[g8rvet]

I actually did kill a turkey.   Was mostly about scouting and patience.  If I get enough smart Alec responses I will tell the real story.


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[Gooserbat]

In for the YouTube link.

[Flatsnbay]

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[JeffC]

You failed, never mentioned what call, brand of gun, toilet paper, mouth wash and most importantly vest.
Congrats on the Tom.

[Neill_Prater]

Now, that is funny!

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[Zobo]

What, no rifle? I somehow doubt the validity of this tale

[doublespurs21]

i'm in for the NO BALLS BEER,,,,,,,,,,,sounds  like what i'm missing..........

[TrackeySauresRex]

Liked and subscribed keep the stories coming    is that Tom playing hide the pine cone? His tail is in the air.

WTG Congrats on a great hunt!

[squidd]

Nice story and am sure there's a whole lot of little truths in what you speak of that go into many other stories that happen every season!

Including, different kinds of wood, types that regrow when it is cut off and reattached and types that get hit with a 9-iron when a tick(ed) off hot hen is chasing you down the driveway?

[Happy]

So, did you get the phone # of the hot chick on the budlight cans?

[Tom007]

Great reading, congrats on that nice Tom!

[Turkeybutt]

Great story, thank you for sharing and a beautiful bird. Congratulations!

[Big Jeremy]

I felt like I was right there with you. You have a knack for telling a good story! 

[grayfox]

Congratulations on a nice gobbler! I wanted to like & subscribe to your youtube channel but somehow I missed the link.