Guys,
I need help. I started organizing GSW (Guys Ski Weekend) seven years ago with my college buddies. By GSW II the wives had organized GSW Too (Girls Spa Weekend) but that is another problem. This year for GSW 7 we have 18 guys attending arriving in Lake Tahoe either tomorrow night or Fri morning.
After skiing hard all day, we will inevitably stay up most of the night Fri and Sat drinking beer and playing poker. With 7-9' of fresh powder in the last two weeks and 3-4' more expected this weekend, we might not even make it to the slopes this year.
But we will play poker. After about an hour or two someone will suggest the dealer has to tell a joke while dealing the hand. In college one of the guys had a dad who managed a saw mill. He had an endless supply of great jokes. I'm not so good and need you to be my saw mill.
So help me out with your best jokes so I can at least make a respectable showing. If you have a great joke that does not meet Old Gobbler standards send me a PM. Relatively short and sweet is best. Simple things for simple minds. Thanks in advance.
Four weeks to Spring Turkey Season in CA.
There was these 2 fellers standing on the bridge, using the bathroom... I believe one feller was from Arkansas... You know the rest, if not, watch Slingblade
Guy goes into a bar and after being there a little while, he decides to put his best move on a good looking lady at the end of the bar. After putting his best line on her, she looks at him and say, "Look buddy, I will save you a lot of time and me a lot of time. I will be blunt, I will do anything, anytime, and anywhere for $300. Here is the catch, ....you have to tell me what you want in 3 words or less"
So the guy thinks for a few minutes and the lady says "well do we have a deal or not"? The guy says "Ok here is the $300 bucks". She says well what do you want........................The guy says "Paint my house".....
A blonde woman is looking for work and knocks on a guys door. She asks him if he has any work that he needs done around the house.
He told her yeh, there's a couple gallons of paint in the garage, I'll give you $100 to paint my porch.
Three hours later she knocks on the door and announces she's done.
She told him there was some paint left over so after she finished painting the porch in his garage she painted his Lexus too.
Do you know why Chelsea Clinton is so dang ugly ??
...Because Janet Reno is her daddy..... :TooFunny: :TooFunny: :TooFunny: :TooFunny:
The Afghan Quarterback
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Memphis Tigers. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the high schools and even in Canada and Europe, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a national championship.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Tigers go on to win the national championship.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the national championship.
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest college sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Memphis!!"
pm sent ;)
Two women were sitting quietly on a park bench minding their own business.
Here is another:
What is the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of pygmies??
I am not brave enough to post the answer even though it does not contain any bad words. If you think you might like it--PM me and I will give you the answer to the riddle.
Quote from: Crutch on February 24, 2011, 11:16:43 AM
The Afghan Quarterback
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Memphis Tigers. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the high schools and even in Canada and Europe, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a national championship.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Tigers go on to win the national championship.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the national championship.
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest college sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Memphis!!"
:TooFunny: :TooFunny:
Quote from: catdaddy on February 24, 2011, 07:01:45 PM
Two women were sitting quietly on a park bench minding their own business.
:TooFunny:
Quote from: stinkpickle on February 24, 2011, 11:34:21 AM
pm sent ;)
x2
Quote from: catdaddy on February 24, 2011, 07:01:45 PM
Two women were sitting quietly on a park bench minding their own business.
:TooFunny: :TooFunny: :TooFunny: :TooFunny: :TooFunny: :TooFunny: :TooFunny: :TooFunny:
The wife is staring at the mirror looking at her self. Her husband is watching tv.
As she looks at her self she says, I am getting fat and ugly and old. She looks at her husband and says I need someone to say something nice about me to make me feel better about my self.
He looked at her and says, well dear your eye sight is still pretty good.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dislexic Association.
Q: Why don't women need a driver's license?
A: Because there is no road between the kitchen and the bedroom.
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter, because he ain't coming.
DO
YOU FART IN BED?
THIS
IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR
YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE
HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING
LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE.
THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND
THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER
EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
EVERY MORNING SHE
WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT
WAS
MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT
WAS
PERFECTLY
NA TURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT
ONE
DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY
AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE
THANKSGIVING MORNING
AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS
UPSTAIRS
SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD,
LIVER
AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO
HER.
SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND
WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND,
GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE
PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND
OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED
THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.
SOME
TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING
WHICH
WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF
FRANTIC FOOT STEPS
AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD
HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE
ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING,
TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE
RECKONED SHE HAD
GOT HIM BACK PRETT Y GOOD.
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER
HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS
BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A
LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP
AS SHE ASKED HIM
WHAT WAS THE MATT ER.
HE
SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME
A ND I
DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.
'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED
HIS WIFE.
'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD
END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT,
AND TODAY IT FINALLY
HAPPENED.'
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND
TWO
FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST
OF THEM BACK IN.'
__________________________________________________
:TooFunny: :TooFunny: :TooFunny: :TooFunny: :TooFunny: :TooFunny:
I have a large repertoire of jokes. Here is one I can give the punch line to:
Why don't you ever give a women a watch for a gift??
You shouldn't have to--there is a clock on the oven.
why are there no prostitutes in tennessee ...because they all are volunteers
What do you call somebody else's cheese? Notch-yo cheese
a guy takes his wife on a deer hunting trip and when they arrive at the farm and chat with the farmer a bit b4 heading to the stand he introduced the farmer to his wife .they give their hellos,nods and then the hunter says ,lets go babe.. as they head out through the yard the farmer calls the hunter back and ask if he would mind putting a old mule with a bad leg out of it's misery and the hunter lit up right there and said yes.as the hunter and his wife walked along to their blinds the wife ask,,honey,what did that farmer say to you when he called you back,,expecting to her that the farmer said she was a keeper,,a good looker,ya' know that kinda stuff but,the hunter lit up again,and said well he kinda pissed me off,,he said you could hunt but you could'nt shoot anything ,so as they walked by the mule the hunter said well ,i'll show him and he shot the mule right there in front of her..she gasped,and said well that'll show him..as they got to where the road split the hunter told his wife to pick a trail so she took the one leading right and so he was left with the other.he told het to follow the road up over the little hill and her blind would be right on the other side oh it .she heads off and so does he .since her walk was'nt near as far as his he kinda figured she would be settled in and ready and he kinda hurried so he could get ample huntin' time in too,,about the time he got to his blind he heard it BANG BANG BANG BANG ,so he hurries back to his wife and ask,,what did you do miss him.......she says heck no,the more i thought about what that farmer said about me not being able to kill anything ,,it pissed me off too,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,so i shot 4 of his cows lol
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a great time! Today I am taking them to the beach."
Quote from: Limbstrutter on February 26, 2011, 02:03:46 PM
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a great time! Today I am taking them to the beach."
Can you imagine? :lol:
Thanks guys. Just got back and used several of the jokes.