Turkey stories true or lies. Don't matter.

[ChesterCopperpot]

Flood come through last year and killed a bunch of folks but when one of my buddy's was cleaning out the creek he found all this metal coming out of the bank. He asked the old woman that lived there about it and she said when she was a girl her daddy and uncle kept a bear in there for the dogs, that it was a bear pen. So we get to talking about how so many places here in the mountains are called things like Bear Pen and Turkey Pen, etc. He gets to telling me something his grandfather told him about how they'd trap wild turkeys. He said they'd dig a ditch maybe fifty yards long and at the end they'd dig a big pit out not real deep but square and even. Over top of that ditch they'd lay some fencing and stake it down. He said they'd sprinkle a line of corn up that ditch and then put a good bit in the pen. Said the turkeys would come up through there heads down just a pecking. They'd feed into that pen and when the corn was all gone they'd lift their heads and they'd pop up through that fencing. Said once their heads come up through them gaps they never could figure out how to get them back down. On them weeks, the family eat.


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[Happy]

I am betting your right Dana. I remember I was helping an old farmer with some machine repairs one day and it just wasn't going well. He sighed and said "This is gonna be damned near impossible" of course I had to be a smart aleck and say " haven't you heard? Nowadays nothing is impossible". He looked at me quizzically and said "oh yeah? if thats the case I wanna see you stretch a gnats @$$ over a 55 gallon drum".

[Happy]

I may have shared this last year but here is a funny one involving my landowner buddy.  It was our first hunt together and I was still feeling out the property as I hadn't set foot on it in 10 years. At daylight nothing seemed to be roosted on his property, we did hear a few way off on a neighboring property but they sounded like they had hens and were drifting away from us. We started slowly moving and seeing what we could find. We finally hit a ridge that just felt turkey and I sat him down and picked a tree a few feet away. After things calmed down a bit I let loose with some cutting and a tom cut me off in the bottom about 150 yards out. A few minutes later my buddy hissed "turkey". I then saw it trotting towards us on the side of the ridge. He was still on the neighboring property and I was watching and telling my buddy when to shift his gun to cover the incoming turkey. Another turkey popped into view and was following about 15 yards behind. I had my buddy ready and the turkeys needed to come about 20 yards to be on our side of the property line. I  was looking them over pretty good and quickly noticed that they were both jakes. I no sooner got the words whispered " how do you feel about killing a jake?" when a gun roared and the lead jake was flopping. It took a second for me to realize what happened but as soon as I did I started chuckling. We walked over to congratulate the fellow and here is what happened.The neighboring landowner and his buddy had heard the same gobbling we had heard and decided to sit in the corner and hope that they would drift his way. He wasn't calling much. as he didn't have much confidence in his abilities. In his words" I was just sitting here hoping they would come through on this ridge when I heard a hen turkey cutting loose and a gobble to my hard right. I swung around and saw these two jakes running up the hill towards me. I was thinking I wouldn't shoot a jake today but its been three years since I killed a turkey so I let him have it." It was then that his buddy elbowed me and whispered"he told me this morning I was gonna get the first shot today." I had to chuckle. Anyways we visited for a few, congratulated him and went our separate ways. After we got away from them I circled around to get a little closer to the bottom. I explained that I was fairly certain that the gobble we had heard wasn't a jake. About 45 minutes later I got that gobbler fired up and he came in on a string just to have my buddy loose it and flat out miss him. It was an interesting day.

[reflexl]

It is finally time to tell the story since I am pretty sure I won't face prosecution. As many of you that know me are aware, I had a rough year last year. Starting before turkey season I started battling cellulitis. I had numerous bouts with it that meant many rounds of antibiotics. This went on all year long.

    One of the side effects of large doses of antibiotics is severe diarrhea. I am talking nuclear diarrhea. They even tested me for c-diff but I didn't have it. Part of the process was to take probiotics to combat the effects of the antibiotics. They came with their own side effects.  Not that any diarrhea smells good but taking the probiotics took the smell to a whole new level. I have used the bathroom in Wal-Mart and as the odor circulated in the confined space I saw the grout began to crack and fall out of the tile. Once it hit me in Wal-Mart and I rushed to the bathroom. I barely made it to an open stall and set down to do my sinister business. It was basically a small explosion. The smell was incredible. The poor guy in the next stall began gagging and between the fumes burning my eyes and trying not to laugh at the poor guys olfactory distress I was in a mess. I wasn't about to leave before he did for fear of being identified.

    All of this brings us to a deer hunt. It started like any other deer hunt. Got up and  got ready and headed to the woods. I had already made a bathroom trip before I left the house.  I thought I was good. I made it to the farm and pulled into my parking spot. It was at this time that I realized I was in trouble. I bailed out of the rodeo and grabbed a roll of shop towels. I only made it about 20' before I had to stop and drop. Kind of funny what goes through your mind at a time like this but the first thing that hit my mind was trying to remember what I ate for supper. Terror struct as I realized that I got home really late and with my wife already in bed I ate a bowl of instant fiery pork ramen noodles and a can of smoke flavored vienna sausages and washed it down with a  mocha flavored energy drink. I knew bad things were coming. When the flood gates opened there was a cardinal setting on a limb about 20' from me that fell to the ground dead. Thankfully the wind was blowing away from the blind I was going to hunt out of.

    Across the river from me another hunter was already in his tree stand approximately 100 yards from this heinous pile on the ground. There was a breeze blowing directly towards him. You would have thought at that distance the odor of this abomination would have dispersed but not so. In about a minute I heard the poor guy gagging then violently vomiting. I was an emotional wreck. Torn between guilt and pity and the uncontrollable urge to horse laugh. I was at least able to stand upwind of the incredible stench but the poor guy up the tree was trapped and had just tossed his cookies.
   I continued to listen to make sure he didn't swallow his tongue. As I listened I realized he was attempting to climb down the tree while vomiting violently. All of the sudden I heard a crash. In his attempt to reach the safety of the ground, he arrived much faster than he intended to. I heard him talking on his phone so I figured he was OK so I headed for my blind. I had been set up for about 10 minutes when I heard the sound of an ambulance. At this point I was trying to figure out what my legal obligation was going to be. Although I didn't kill a deer that morning at least I didn't get arrested and I did have a hunting story that would stand the test of time.

[GobbleNut]

    Now that was just plain funny, reflexl!  LOL
However, I'm not too sure you are out of the woods just yet.  I'm not sure there is a statute of limitations on attempted murder.... and it sounds like you might be on the hook in multiple cases 

[eggshell]

Hmmm, so it seems that Old G.O.A.T.S. have a lot of stories that involve eating or bathroom issues....sounds about par

[crow]

Hard to get happy after that one,
probably skip breakfast today

[Happy]

You fellows aren't making me look forward to my "Golden years."

[reflexl]

You fellows aren't making me look forward to my "Golden years."

Look on the bright side, you make not make it that long.

[Happy]

You fellows aren't making me look forward to my "Golden years."

Look on the bright side, you make not make it that long.